Working through recent events find that maybe venting it out here may help. and yes this is going to be random jumpy and just nuts as I just try to basicly vent. cause yeah am upset but pissed to.
I just am not sure I guess what to do as my mother who I had finally cutr the cord 42 years old and finally got her claws out of my house. And thgis past Saterday I get a call at 11pm from the ER that she was found roaming the street confused saying home and trying to get to San Diago to see her mom. at that point not much I could do as well I take meds that make it impossiable to drive period. Oh yeah 3 years ago 3 disk blew out in my back had to have emergeny back surgery that left my left leg numb weak and in pain mind you not as bad as before th e surgery but still. then just over a year later part of one of the disk bulged another diretion that stated to cause issues in right leg so surgery #2. Now as to the reason i removed my mother from my enviorment was I had the surgery, The first one, was laid up in bed barely able to walk the pain meds helped kill the pain but drain streangth and energy so they were rotating finding the ones that worked best. Well during that time one week intervels try this nooo ok try this I got a persription for a pain med son left it in the kitchen when I need help getting to bathroom when he came back it was gone. I went blastic cause hello open wound of 9 inches down my back. daughter was at school and sonm was with me leaving just my mother who was adament that she did not know where they were we both kept asking and she pitched a fit and threw a tantrum and hid in her room for a few days. and I had to spend a week fucking in agony not sleeping not moving just laying there going why. so cut to a few weeks later no idea what happened and why son was in her room but he found that missing bottle crammed under her mattress empty along with a mix of teh meds I had been taking. I confronted her and yep 5 year old temper tantrum that everything was her fault everything gets blamed on her.
See told you this would be long and random but really over the coarse of the next 6-9 months while I tried to relearn to walk get better I decided to move to Hawaii with the kids ... not her, when I got my SSDI money finally. I did not talk to anyone did see a head shrink just ... well i felt she was toxic and needed help as almost everyday I would tell her mom I love you but you need to see someone about your issues. I mean 67 years old and still focused on stuff that happened to her 60 years ago Dad didn't love her she was shiped of to her aunts when her mother got sick everything was her fault nothing she did was right. SHe would rock one way to manic giddiness then swing hard and fast to crying and no one loves me I want to die, literly in seconds. And honestly I could not deal with the needinest the whining it just honestly aggravated the hell out of me life aint easy shit does not just happen you have to work for it and she would go on about how everyone else had it so easy and she didn't, and again mind you I was dealing with fall out from back surgery and the realization that I may never be able to work again get training do much of anything so I was trying to figure out what I was going to do because unlike her I did not want to give up as I finally opened my eyes and had seen what she was doing to me, I honestly dont think she understands the effect of things she said way she actted had a lasting effect on me of adopting her outlook of life and I spiriled down in to her morass. I mean trust me when I finally opened my eyes and looked back over the years no mother should tell their child "well I do not trust you. I dont think you have the focus. I just dont think you would be able to understan. Well with your ADHD you just cant . it was never ending and done so subversly and I think not she did not understand or relize teh impact/ ramafications of what she said would impact me as I gave up I did not strive things that I had wanted to do was interested in i put aside because she told me I was unable. Its like a wave on a rock slowly beating you down to sand and she spent 30 years doing that to me and that day when we found my missing pills was teh cataylist for me the moment of what is wrong with you your child ... you sat there and listened to me in pain for a week or more in pain from major surgery and you did not care. Well I dont know maybe you did maybe you saw it as a way to keep me with you I do not know all I know is in teh behavior in the following weeks months drove much of my feeling for her out of me as I sat meditating while waiting at doctors or my PT OR Pain Managment. I looked back at teh years from my daughters birth up and looked from the outside with out that love that a child should have for their mother I looked to see if there was a nutering spirit something that maybe I could grasp and maybe find my mother again but I could not. All I kept seeing was a woman did everythnig in her power to keep a status que for her eto feed into her black hole of need to have a anchor that maybe she had fault with in her own mine that needed to be filled and by subataguing my life forcing me to relie on her filled that. I do not know and this might be horriable of me but right now with her in hospital i feel love but its a detached love not what you would expect from a child to a mother as all I can see in her actions is selfserving to her all my money feed into her need to fill that hole. I am left holding on to broken bits trying to superglue my life together and I was...am getting there I look at my son and see the damage she wrought on him and his lack of ...umph his zest for life is wrapped up in a whatever attitude like there is damage and I can only look at her as she honestly raised him while I went to school and worked.