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just Venting away from normal places family friends in Real Life can see

December 21st, 2014 (11:29 pm)

Working through recent events find that maybe venting it out here may help. and yes this is going to be random jumpy and just nuts as I just try to basicly vent. cause yeah am upset but pissed to.

I just am not sure I guess what to do as my mother who I had finally cutr the cord 42 years old and finally got her claws out of my house. And thgis past Saterday I get a call at 11pm from the ER that she was found roaming the street confused saying home and trying to get to San Diago to see her mom. at that point not much I could do as well I take meds that make it impossiable to drive period. Oh yeah 3 years ago 3 disk blew out in my back had to have emergeny back surgery that left my left leg numb weak and in  pain mind you not as bad as before th e surgery but still. then just over a year later part of one of the disk bulged another diretion that stated to cause issues in right leg so surgery #2. Now as to the reason i removed my mother from my enviorment was I had the surgery, The first one, was laid up in bed barely able to walk the pain meds helped kill the pain but drain streangth and energy so they were rotating finding the ones that worked best. Well during that time one week intervels try this nooo ok try this I got a persription for a pain med son left it in the kitchen when I need help getting to bathroom when he came back it was gone.  I went blastic cause hello open wound of 9 inches down my back. daughter was at school and sonm was with me leaving just my mother who was adament that she did not know where they were we both kept asking and she pitched a fit and threw a tantrum and hid in her room for a few days. and I had to spend a week fucking in agony not sleeping not moving just laying there going why. so cut to a few weeks later no idea what happened and why son was in her room but he found that missing bottle crammed under her mattress empty  along with a mix of teh meds I had been taking. I confronted her and yep 5 year old temper tantrum that everything was her fault everything gets blamed on her.

See told you this would be long and random but really over the coarse of the next 6-9 months while I tried to relearn to walk get better I decided to move to Hawaii with the kids ... not her, when I got my SSDI money finally. I did not talk to anyone did see a head shrink just ... well i felt she was toxic and needed help as almost everyday I would tell her mom I love you but you need to see someone about your issues. I mean 67 years old and still focused on stuff that happened to her 60 years ago Dad didn't love her she was shiped of to her aunts when her mother got sick everything was her fault nothing she did was right. SHe would rock one way to manic giddiness then swing hard and fast to crying and no one loves me I want to die, literly in seconds. And honestly I could not deal with the needinest the whining it just honestly aggravated the hell out of me life aint easy shit does not just happen you have to work for it and she would go on about how everyone else had it so easy and she didn't, and again mind you I was dealing with fall out from back surgery and the realization that I may never be able to work again get training do much of anything so I was trying to figure out what I was going to do because unlike her I did not want to give up as I finally opened my eyes and had seen what she was doing to me, I honestly dont think she understands the effect of things she said way she actted had a lasting effect on me of adopting her outlook of life and I spiriled down in to her morass.  I mean trust me when I finally opened my eyes and looked back over the years no mother should tell their child "well I do not trust you. I dont think you have the focus. I just dont think you would be able to understan. Well with your ADHD you just cant . it was never ending and done so subversly and I think not she did not understand or relize teh impact/ ramafications of what she said would impact me as I gave up I did not strive things that I had wanted to do was interested in i put aside because she told me I was unable. Its like a wave on a rock slowly beating you down to sand and she spent 30 years doing that to me and that day when we found my missing pills was teh cataylist for me the moment of what is wrong with you your child ... you sat there and listened to me in pain for a week  or more in pain from major surgery and you did not care. Well I dont know maybe you did maybe you saw it as a way to keep me with you I do not know all I know is in teh behavior in the following weeks months drove much of my feeling for her out of me as I sat meditating while waiting at doctors  or my PT  OR Pain Managment. I looked back at teh years from my daughters birth up and looked from the outside with out that love that a child should have for their mother I looked to see if there was a nutering spirit something that maybe I could grasp and maybe find my mother again but I could not. All I kept seeing was a woman did everythnig in her power to keep a status que for her eto feed into her black hole of need to have a anchor that maybe she had fault with in her own mine that needed to be filled and by subataguing my life forcing me to relie on her filled that. I do not know and this might be horriable of me but right now with her in hospital i feel love but its a detached love not what you would expect from a child to a mother as all I can see in her actions is selfserving to her all my money feed into her need to fill that hole. I am left holding on to broken bits trying to superglue my life together and I was...am getting there I look at my son and see the damage she wrought on him and his lack of ...umph his zest for life is wrapped up in a whatever attitude like there is damage and I can only look at her as she honestly raised him while I went to school and worked.

deeznutz1969 [userpic]

Movies and Pretties

January 24th, 2012 (09:00 pm)

Yeah bitches


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deeznutz1969 [userpic]

Update

January 21st, 2012 (07:21 pm)

Well I know its been awhile since I really updated this place.


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Life hit me in the face with a 2 by 4  (kinda wish it had been watson but alas it wasn't) Some of you know several years ago I was in a auto accident with a Illegal. the ramifications from it left me in a lot of pain constant really. Lost my Muse due to it, Haven't found it yet either.  Anyway the wreak left me pretty much a wreak my friend who I was driving to Chemo (I think it was Chemo not sure now mind doesn't really remember much) did not make it she went through the windshield died on impact (at least I hope to god she did)  I went face first into my steering wheel airbag did deploy but I went sideways and forward (what I was told) destroyed my left jaw and Teeth was in coma for awhile suffered short term memory issues for a long time, still get bouts of it from time to time. It left me unable to work I mangled my back and left arm along with the left jaw and teeth started fighting for Disability. That I have to say was / is really fucking hard.

So during this fight I had been seeing Doctors about my ongoing issues fighting with the state insurance (Arizona I believe has one of the worst ideas of health care "sorry you need to see we won't cover glasses. Oh your teeth that were destroyed from the accident well tough shit we wont do anything to help you" ) And the Doctor were shocked I was depressed and losing interest in everything shit wouldn't you. Anyway started seeing a pain management Doctor to deal with the back pain about a year and a half ago give or take we were in the middle of fighting with the insurance trying to get PT and manipulation to relieve the pressure in my back ( had 1 bad disk bulge and 1 minor one).

So then about 11 months ago I rolled over in my sleep and BAM OMFG red hot poker to my back I was swear to god almost blacking out from the pain I thought I had pulled something. When I tried to get up I had absolutely no feeling in my left leg from the but to the toes and if I put pressure on the leg some invisible idiot would stab me again. I had to call Doctor she ordered a Stat MRI got to love the state insurance took them a week to OK it STAT you idiots means Emergency. 3 hours after the MRI I get a call at 8pm from the doctors say get to the hospital NOW.

Now mind you no way for me to drive (I drove a Stick) I had to call the insurance they were like UM we need a manager to approve this as we are suppose to transport you to closest hospital  (which is just a ER Hospital ) and I need to go to the hospital with or where the Neurosurgery was (Doctor told me this ) So had to wait till the morning 2 hour fight later and Really you will pay for a cab to this ER and the a Ambulance from there to the other HELLO which is CHEAPER?!?!?!

So Weeee got to Hospital and those 2 disk blew and on blew a rather large chunk of itself in to my main Nerve root. I was told I may lose the use of my leg completely that this should have been dealt with fast I remember looking at the Doctor and going I did blame the insurance (god damn Fuckers) 

Had the Surgery Done they opened up about 8inches of my back removed the Laminia (the part of your back the makes the little bumb on your spine ) on three of my Vertebrates. After which they sent me home unable to walk with nothing but a walker and a 21 year old kid who was bug eyed with the idea he had to be my nurse. A week later I went to doctors got a wheel chair from them to help with recovery time and she requested therapy for the after surgery.

Almost a year later  guess what I got a call from PT .... fuckers mind you its now because I finally got my SSDI Which the court hearing itself was a hoot as I was still barely able to walk with my walker. I remember the Judge asked me why I wasn't seeing a physiotherapy Doctor  and I looked at her and said look at me wouldn't you be depressed if you were in my place and do you really think I am thinking of talking with anyone at the moment when I know WHY I AM DEPRESSED. 

So here I am left lower leg still numb , not the whole leg thank god. I get Migraines now far more often then I use to. I am finally I think getting my act together but I don't think I will ever be able to work a full time job and am trying to figure out what to do with my limitations if I sit to long the leg goes weird and painful can't stand for to long either so it leaves me going WTF do I do.

Anyway I glossed over a lot but I have hopes to get my Muse back even if I have to hunt her down and beat her into submission. I hope all of you are good and I am off to watch Supernatural one of the new episodes ( don't ask me why I keep watching but I keep feeling like blowing my brains out after each show) or maybe I will watch Sherlock NOT THE FALL thou Oh god NOOOOO or maybe fortysomething with Ben and Hugh in it LOL 

Anyway thats that and hope to be updating a bit more often


 PS Sorry about long post and the LJ cut not fucking working damn rich text gah 

deeznutz1969 [userpic]

post

November 22nd, 2011 (10:27 am)

Originally posted by kylecassidy at post

Via Citykitties (emphasis mine):

A good samaritan found this cat today in a gutter by Clark Park, half dead. He is now at the Cat Doctor with a body temperature of 90 (normal is 102) and blood PCV of 8. The Cat Doctor housecat, Diamond, is currently donating blood to save his life. During the exam, the vet found that this cat has a microchip. When called, his "owners" reported that he was acting sick, so they put him outside. If this makes you as angry as it makes us, please channel your anger in one of two ways: visit our website at www.citykitties.org and make a donation to help us pay for his care, or share this post and encourage others to do so.




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deeznutz1969 [userpic]

How we met

July 11th, 2011 (12:31 pm)

PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THESE INSTRUCTIONS: I would like my Facebook friends to comment on this status, sharing how you met me. But I want you to LIE. That's right, just make it up. After you comment, copy this to your status, so I can do the same. I bet HALF of you won't read the instructions right.

deeznutz1969 [userpic]

True Blood review From the movies

June 27th, 2011 (08:51 am)

Yes I saw the first 2 episodes at the Movie theater woot they had the premire here in Tempe man nothing like a theater full of True blood fans and wow now I know Everyone Looooves Erik lol

Spoilers ahead I mean it SPOILERS

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deeznutz1969 [userpic]

Thank you Hulu

June 22nd, 2011 (08:20 pm)

man saw a advert for the Misfits yesterday Hulu only had the first 2 episodes .... DAMN YOU BBC another Great show Just spen the day watching season 1 and 2 (nope not saying how but you all know ) But WOW and season 3 starts this fall along with new Who and Sherlock

Now this is really sad I am more excited over British TV then American Sigh

But to my Friends on LiveJournal GO WATCH The Misfits !!!!! DO IT DO IT NOW!!!!!

deeznutz1969 [userpic]

Super 8

June 14th, 2011 (10:33 pm)

Is it any Good?:
J.J. Abrams loves his unnecessary lens flare. That was the first thing I noticed.
This movie has been getting some pretty mixed reviews, most of the bad reviews are from people who believed that this film would be a game changer.
The problem is that this movie was never meant to be a game changer, it’s a movie that was meant to pay tribute to the old Amblin movies of the 80’s and 90’s which most of us should have been touched by.
The movie keeps very similar themes and characters to those old movies. It’s a film about growing up (E.T) and dealing with loss (The Goonies).
The movie succeeds with the children. The movie is entirely character driven and these kids are compeletely fleshed out and you sympathise and connect with them wonderfully. For most of the kids this film is their first so I forgave a few acting problems.
Also Noah Emmerich played the part of the evil military guy well and Kyle Chandler played a great part of a father who lost his wife and is getting a little over his head.
My only problem was with the creature. Although not really a problem, I feel his design looked a lot like the monsters that feature in Star Trek and Cloverfield, Neville Page needs to learn some new creature designs and Abrams needs to stop hiring him.
But that’s only a small problem, The movie is good.
If you grew up on the old Amblin movies then you will definately love this one.

deeznutz1969 [userpic]

Argh Venting below

June 5th, 2011 (10:15 pm)

sigh bored tonight and it just dawned on me that I really need to redo my banner as my screen is now 1440 x 900 damn it looks funny up there.

Bored venting ahead ... oh look its a head
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deeznutz1969 [userpic]

eric wallpaper

May 29th, 2011 (06:31 pm)


 well I got a new monitor so am reworking a lot of my favorites 

So here is one of Eric Northman 

<lj-cut>





as always if you take please fill out the proper forms 

btw should be 1440x900

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